March 10, 2008 at 11:21 AM
Our two year anniversary is coming up.
Only nine more days to wait.
Not that anything special will be happening. Not that I necessarily want anything special to happen. We'll go out for supper, spend our evening doing the normal mindless television-watching, him complaining the entire time that he's got work to do, but doesn't want to do it.
We had a good talk last night, before we went to sleep.
Erica got engaged yesterday. She called at midnight to tell us the news, and gave us every detail. Twice. She was so excited that she was going hoarse, and she sounded absolutely exhausted, probably from telling her story five hundred times, but it was so good to hear her voice.
Ever since she left school, it has been hard for me to open up. Hard to really let myself out of my shell and let others in. To have two friends leave within two months -- these being two of my best friends in Antigonish -- was very hard on me.
I don't make friends easily. I'm friendly enough. But I'm awkward as hell. I just don't know what to say to people. I've always had an extremely great group of friends, and for that I am so grateful, but since we stuck together for the better part of five years, I only had to retreat from my shell but the once. University has been strange, these past two years, trying to make friends with people I just don't know, not sure whether or not they could ever meet up to my high standards [and knowing full well that they probably won't]. I'm lucky enough to have three of my high school friends [including Joey] here with me, so if all else fails, I hang out with them, but Jessica's got her own friends here, and James is so busy, I usually only see him for our scheduled, one-hour lunch date on Tuesday afternoons.
I think it's safe to say that without Joey here I probably would never have come out of my room at all. Last year would have been the worst one of my life, and I probably wouldn't have come back for year two.
But the unthinkable happened.
Erica turned up and drove my shy nature out of the way. When I was around her, it was as if I was with my high school friends again. I didn't care if I made an ass of myself, I knew that Erica would be laughing harder than anyone else, or at least would have a strange look and a smile to get me laughing at myself.
I miss her a lot.
Right. Back on topic.
Joey and I had a really good talk last night before we went to sleep.
We talked about marriage, which is far from a new subject of interest for us. I wouldn't call it envy, but for lack of a better word, I'm jealous of all of the people around me getting engaged recently.
A girl who was in Little Shop of Horrors with me in high school got married last October. She asked Joey and I to sing at her wedding. It was beautiful and small, and I got very anxious and excited for my own engagement and wedding, and most of all, my future marriage.
A fourth-year voice major who is in some of my classes got engaged last summer, and although they're waiting until she's finished her education degree to get married, their plans are still very much on the way. At Christmas, we found out that her sister, who is my age, was engaged and to be married in August.
Upon our return to school after the break, we learned of our RA's engagement, and her plans of a wedding this summer, and also of the engagement of a girl who goes to our youth group here.
And now Erica.
I feel like the only person who is in a long-term relationship with the strong intention of marriage that is not engaged. It's quite frustrating, actually.
I know I sound spoiled, and that I only want to be engaged because everyone else is. But that is so far from the truth. I feel more than ready to move on to the next step. I am so completely and unconditionally in love, and I want everyone to know. Obviously I want to wait to be married until we're finished our degrees, and I don't even really want to be engaged right now. Our news would just get lost in with everyone else's, and there would be talk of our getting married so young, and whatnot. It's just not the right time now.
I've never been the type to dream about my own wedding. When I was a little girl, I played house in the chalk drawings on our driveway, I ran around the neighbourhood in my bare feet, and I played with the boys. Still now, Joey is more into the wedding planning than I am.
I'm dreaming of the marriage.
What I'm going to get to share with Joey once vows are read and cake consumed. I'm excited to lay down in our bed, eat in our kitchen, watch our television.
For now, we're playing make believe, in these two residence rooms, sharing bread, milk, and peanut butter, and hoping for the days to come.