September 12, 2004 at 11:56 pm
Why do I always skip days during school, even on weekends? I'm just so darn busy, I guess!
Yesterday was crazy. After having been up until about 3:30 on the computer and then doing devotions [yay!] in my room, I had to wake up at 5:30 to get down to the church by 6:00 for the yard sale. Unfortunately my alarm didn't get me up until about 6:45, and I only made it to the church by 7:00. Oh well, I still helped take things over to the parking lot, and at least I showed up. There are always lots of people that don't show for BBQs and yard sales and stuff; especially when you're asked to be there at the ungodly hour of six in the morning. C'est la vie!
So I had that until 2:00 or so, and then we had to get everything cleared away and clean up and stuff, which took us about another hour. By that time, everyone had showed up for Worship Team practice, so I went in to do that. I had no clue what I was supposed to be playing - Krista gave me the music on Thursday night but I didn't even so much as look at it until Saturday afternoon. Thank goodness I knew all of the songs pretty well and had played most of them before, or else I would have been horrible.
Jeshua asked me to help out at a BBQ at his mom's work after our yard sale, but I had to tell him that I couldn't go because of practice. Sara, James, and Miguel all went over with him to do face painting, and I think they had fun. Jeshua thought they'd only be there for an hour or so, but it ended up being three hours, so I was stuck home until 6:00 with nothing to do. I went down and got some groceries with my mom, but that was the height of my afternoon.
When I got the call that they were back home, I went up to find them in the pool. I didn't bring my swimming stuff, but it didn't matter much, I probably wouldn't have gone in either way. James tried to push me in at first, but then he just left me alone. I was pretty darn wet anyway, after Jeshua splashed Kyle and I. After watching the four of them swim and wrestle [that's James and Jeshua's little game in the pool - see who can hurt the other more; or what Kyle and I call shopping cart MADNESS, just because it's got nothing at all to do with the actual activity], we went in the house to watch a movie. It took us probably just as long to decide on one than it did to watch it, but it was a good movie, so I didn't much care.
We watched A Time to Kill with Matthew McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Ashley Judd, Kevin Spacey, Samuel L. Jackson, and whomever else; it reminded me a lot of To Kill a Mockingbird, but it was good.
I went home right after the movie was over. I didn't have to be home for another hour or so, but I just really didn't want to be there anymore.
I went to church this morning and had an okay time. Heather is teaching my Sunday School class this year; I'm so glad. Last year felt so weird without her in the room, having her spiritual spasms and just making the whole room bright with her love and kindness.
This year is kind of weird, because she's bringing in kids from the younger classes into ours, just because they're more mature and fit in better with us. Well, I'm sorry but I have to disagree with most of it. I can see her letting Colby through, because although he's in eigth grade, he's more mature in every way than most guys I know. And because he goes to the private school and is therefore not in our school system, people sometimes don't even realize that he's not my age. I still have a hard time convincing myself that he's not older than me.
After church I played with some of the little ones while my parents talked. The same little ones that I was babysitting last weekend, actually. Those toddlers are three of the only things that can make me genuinely smile right now. Even thinking of them and their cute little waddles as they try to keep up with everyone around them makes me giggle a bit.
Tonight was our first executive meeting of the year. I still don't know for sure that I want to do it, although today it just felt right. I don't know exactly what that means, but it did. I guess I'm going to try to stick it out now, and if I really can't do it, then I'll just talk to Mark about it. I doubt anyone will even notice my absence ...
I feel as though I'm slipping back into my depression, and it's not good at all. I'm trying to laugh and smile and have fun, but on the inside I'm crying out. I don't know if it's just God I'm missing, or if it's someone that's bothering me [although I know of some people who are really frustrating me these days] or if I'm just a hopeless case, damned to a lifetime of sadness and mockery.